I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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