There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
