Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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