she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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