i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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