You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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