I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
