Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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