Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
