my soul wont recognize me after tonight
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
