Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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