Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
