just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
