Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize