Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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