my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Screwed.edu
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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