Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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