I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
