I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
