Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
