i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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