chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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