we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
