Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
