i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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