Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
