I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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