A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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