I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
