Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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