Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
