I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY