Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"