Apparently you make a good broom.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
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Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
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Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems