im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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