Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
