mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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