I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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