It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
