if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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