okay pat passed out under dana's car
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
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Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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