Umm I'm too high to move.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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