I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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