I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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