he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
