Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
