I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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