talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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