my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
