First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
