There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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