I faked an abortion last night.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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