come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
