pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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