She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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