ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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