This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
