its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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