A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
