You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
